Are you looking for some light and hopeful content to kick off the new year? Tough titties. You’ve landed on the first installment of my new series, i hate it here, a monthly haters roundup of sorts for my patrons.
Look, I know and you know that we both like me when I’m a little sad. But admit it, I’m more fun when I’m mean. Below you’ll find a list, in no particular order, of shit that really grinds my gears.
Strap in, my little turtledoves. Shows about to start.
Co-workers who comment on how little / much you eat at lunch.
What is it with these people? I don’t know if this is just a female experience, a form of girl on girl crime, but it never fails that there is at least one tactless cunt in every workplace who feels the need to express feigned concern that “you’re only having yogurt and fruit for lunch!” or amazement at how many slices of free pizza you can eat. First of all, Sharon, it’s fucking Domino’s. At most a third of the size of a regular NYC slice of pizza. And second, best believe if it’s on company dime I’m taking some to-go.
See, I know Sharon feels entitled to comment on my eating habits and body size because I am a 5’1 108lb woman. If I was bigger in frame, HR would be in here so fast Sharon would be issuing a public apology for her body shaming comments on the company’s social media before lunch. Yet because I am petite and unproblematic, people like Sharon are emboldened to, in between sips of their 750 calorie double-pump extra whipped cream frappuccino, yap away. Here’s a life tip: work on yourselves and your own relationship with your body image. I assure you I have a healthy one with mine.
Rupi Kaur.
Yes, I read milk and honey while on an Urban Outfitters fitting room line just like the rest of you. This is where it should begin and end with the high priestess of pop proverbs. Please spare me the “she’s soooo accessible and relatable” nonsense. Her work is lazy, “fake deep” fluff painted with intentional broad strokes that showcase her reliance on cliches as a ploy to sell more to the uninformed masses. Want to argue there’s a place for work like Kaurs? Yeah, on an Instagram caption for a summer vacation photo dump or in the bargain bin of your local Home Goods.
Somehow this senseless drivel that has no plot, harmony, rhythm or structure keeps selling as “poetry”. One week in 2021, three out of the top six books in the New York Times bestsellers list for paperback fiction weren’t fiction at all – they were Kaur’s three poetry collections. Millennials, explain yourselves.
“Democratic literature will never exhibit the order, skill, art of aristocratic literature; formal qualities will be neglected or actually despised. The style will be strange, incorrect, loose, and almost always strong & bold.” - Tocqueville after reading milk and honey
The city of Philadelphia, for not knowing how to make a bagel.
I’m sorry
, Rocky Balboa and Meek Mill. I can forgive the Reading Terminal Market most of its transgressions but when I order a plain bagel lightly toasted with cream cheese, a breakfast item familiar to any New Yorker over the age of 4, am I asking too much to expect exactly that?Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
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