When I read the title, my first thought was "Uh-oh." But then I kept reading and thought, oh good, she stuck to her guns! The suspense was epic, let me tell you. This is my new favorite from you.
You've captured the non-sequiter reminders and the seeming hollowness of almost anything and everything else, immaculately. The gravity of the first time being the best and highest is like you've described. Hopefully writing about it bridges a chasm of longing.
And yes, writing it out certainly helped. I don’t think about these things too often, as they really aren’t a part of the person I am today but every once in a while a little reprieve from the banal mundanity of life sure would be welcomed.
I used cocaine a lot for several years in the 80's, very good cocaine, everybody said so. My connection went AA and I hooked up with some guy and left L.A. and never was tempted again. Cocaine is a really shitty drug: it's way too much fun and you come down way too fast and if you mix it with alcohol you get the worst f'ing hangovers, which is inclined to encourage people to mix it with opiates or quaaludes or whatever we are mixing cocaine with of late. And then you REALLY go out and do crazy, often illegal shit, and potentially get your ass busted. Not recommended.
You say you can count on the drugs to deliver, but really you can't. As you also say, nothing equals that first time. I once worked (in therapy) with a crack addict who told me that the only thing crack ever gave him after that first high was a "desire for more." The definition of insanity. To live constantly with a "desire for more" and never getting satisfaction! For me, it was alcohol. Sober now 43 years, 1/2 my life. But I would never have had this second half had I not gotten sober. And it's been oh-so-rewarding! Stay with the program.
No runners high will ever come close to the jouissance of booking a local hotel with a partner, a curated drug collection and a dealer that delivers. I’ll take drugs and delirious debauchery everytime. Well until my card gets decline.
Drugs are really bad, but so good, but in a good bad way, but mostly bad except for the fantastic part which is also bad.
I know exactly, precisely what you mean.
whyyyy are they like this?!
I don’t know!! I don’t know!!
But maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s us. Maybe drugs are good good and we are bad good; but honestly, mostly bad.
You've literally nailed it. Wish I could restack comments
When I read the title, my first thought was "Uh-oh." But then I kept reading and thought, oh good, she stuck to her guns! The suspense was epic, let me tell you. This is my new favorite from you.
lol Logs first of all, I am way too lazy and far too gone down the misanthrope hole to fall off the wagon
My problem is I can't get myself back on the wagon, because I'm too much of a misanthrope.
touché you grouch
Call me Oscar!
No regrets from my wild youth, but I am one of the lucky ones. Would never tempt fate in such a way again. But man, we had some fun.
Funny. And poignant. Good stuff. Fellow Stacker here. No dealer though. Bought pot once, in 1981. All my drugs have always been legal.
So glad I didn't go down that road.
Ten years is a milestone. Brava.
Mmm yes.
I was in a very specific mood today
beautifully done. the cadence and tone reminds me of miranda july. and congrats on sobriety :)
Thank you so much Kelsey 🤍
You've captured the non-sequiter reminders and the seeming hollowness of almost anything and everything else, immaculately. The gravity of the first time being the best and highest is like you've described. Hopefully writing about it bridges a chasm of longing.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
And yes, writing it out certainly helped. I don’t think about these things too often, as they really aren’t a part of the person I am today but every once in a while a little reprieve from the banal mundanity of life sure would be welcomed.
Thank you for reading.
You're welcome. Ten shows a commitment to you that no one else can do, certainly not the dealer. Keep it up!
This is gold.
Thank you so much! I was pretty uncertain about even posting it but I had to get it out of my system somehow
I’m still quitting, every day.
Got rid of the ‘hardest’, but still not where I want to be.
The scale thing is funny, I go through the same process of thought whenever I have to come up with a recipe, to write it down for the cooks.
Keep that push.
I used cocaine a lot for several years in the 80's, very good cocaine, everybody said so. My connection went AA and I hooked up with some guy and left L.A. and never was tempted again. Cocaine is a really shitty drug: it's way too much fun and you come down way too fast and if you mix it with alcohol you get the worst f'ing hangovers, which is inclined to encourage people to mix it with opiates or quaaludes or whatever we are mixing cocaine with of late. And then you REALLY go out and do crazy, often illegal shit, and potentially get your ass busted. Not recommended.
You say you can count on the drugs to deliver, but really you can't. As you also say, nothing equals that first time. I once worked (in therapy) with a crack addict who told me that the only thing crack ever gave him after that first high was a "desire for more." The definition of insanity. To live constantly with a "desire for more" and never getting satisfaction! For me, it was alcohol. Sober now 43 years, 1/2 my life. But I would never have had this second half had I not gotten sober. And it's been oh-so-rewarding! Stay with the program.
🥲 relatable
it be like that sometimes, you know
hearing a co-worker say TGIF is more than enough excuse to get high.
No runners high will ever come close to the jouissance of booking a local hotel with a partner, a curated drug collection and a dealer that delivers. I’ll take drugs and delirious debauchery everytime. Well until my card gets decline.
haha. honestly probably same :/
thank you so much for this, for your writing, for your vulnerability